Alone!!!

This is a diary post from Mar. 8/13.

I'm pretty much alone. I feel alone. I think I've been feeling this way for quite some time. I hope this post will help me to heal. I think the eczema has something to do with my self-esteem and self-confidence issues which is making it hard on my marriage and relationship with Allen. I don't know if it's just me but I seem to need more attention than he's giving me. 

He has gone to the Capital, which is in another city. He left about a half hr ago. I didn't get anything. NO HUG. NOTHING! To me it seemed pretty much like nothing. My reaction actually wasn't half as bad as last time he went there. That was two weeks ago.  Maybe I'm getting used to it or getting better at holding in the tears, not sharing my feelings, not expressing myself of how I feel.

What's really strange was at the beginning when he first arrived, about 2.5 years ago, I remember I had problems sharing what was bothering me, what I was angry or sad about. It was him to kept telling me that I would feel better expressing it, showing it and sharing it. He doesn't share his feelings with me. It's very hard and I'm trying. I am. I really am.

I'm hoping to go into therapy soon, to talk about my problems. I'm hoping it'll help with my self-esteem and self-confidence. So my marriage and relationship with Allen will improve. Right now he can't fix me. I need to learn how to do that. I need to fix myself. I was relying on Allen to fix me but he can't. I realize that now.