Diary entry for Mar. 9/13
I'm feeling better this morning. I slept well. We sent text messages last night before I went to bed. I didn't know what to believe because I woke up thinking, 'Well, I don't miss him as much as I did last time, when he was gone.'
I know it's probably my survival instincts playing. Maybe I'm getting used to it. If I get used to this, don't miss him anymore and it doesn't affect me, it isn't good. I don't think our marriage is going in the right direction.
I know part of it is my doing. I still have issues with my self-esteem. Most people don't know this fact because I sound and act as though I know what I'm doing, but I don't.
When it comes to our relationship i have no idea what I'm doing. I'm very insecure. It's sad, really sad. I don't know how to instigate and to be the first to reach out physically. I share my feelings, when I'm upset, angry and why. I have screamed. I'm at a loss. I'm thinking that what's happening now is a production of my past actions. I don't do anything. I wait for him to hug me, to touch me and to reach for me. This is really the result of what is going on between us.
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